I'm not Tiger Woods

I know it's been a while since the last post, so here's a little recap of my return to golfing, after ending my 12-year hiatus last summer. My foursome included Pops, Sneaky Pete, me and a guy named Brad, who was part of the bachelor party.

First a little backstory. I quit golf roughly 13 years ago, because I couldn't hit the ball. Not because I sliced it, hooked it or topped it. It was because I couldn't hit it. It got in my head and I kept swinging and missing, so I quit. I figured if I'm not going to hit the ball, why waste all those swings. I returned last year at my cousin's wedding in southern Illinois and it turns out I could the ball again, however, not with much accuracy, but contact was made, about 130 times or more. So I bought a new set of Taylor Mades, for my second attempt at golf.

This past Saturday was Scooter's bachelor party, and the first leg consisted of golf at River Oaks in Cottage Grove. The wind was blowing at a steady 25-30 mph and of course the first hole was directly into the wind. Coincidentally, this fact brought the funniest line of the day from Brad to me and SP.
Brad: "Are all of the holes going to be into the wind?"
Which actually generated no response from me and SP.
Hole 1: Par 5. I was the third to tee off in our foursome with Scooter taking pictures of our first drives. Taking the gale-force wind into account, I decide I need to keep my shots low to get any distance. I tee up my ball and say to myself "please don't slice it into the maintenance shed." I proceed to swing and viola! contact. I kept it low and hardly sliced it. I was able to see my ball the whole way, unlike others in our group who hit it over the trees and onto the fairway...of the adjacent 9th hole. It was only a short walk to my second shot, just left of the ladies tee box. Wonderful. Nice start to the par 5 and the 17 more chances off the teebox to come. I end up two-putting for a 7 or 8 on the hole, not bad considering the 40-yard drive, 45-yard second shot and visiting the sand and the fairway once.
Hole 2: Nothing worth mentioning. Made a 6 or 7 in unspectacular fashion.
Hole 3: Longest drive contest, par 4. Needless to say, I didn't have the longest drive. However, it was just left of the fairway, leaving me a decent approach toward the green, about 160 yards. My next shot was a thing of beauty. Fairly straight, but left of the hole and it just happened to stop on the fringe. It would have been one of the rare times, if not the first time for me to be on in regulation. Granted I was still a good 30 feet from the hole. My first putt left me about 5 to 6 feet away from the hole. "Holy crap, I have a chance to make a par, don't blow this." And of course, I hit the ball perfect, if I was only 3 feet away.
Pops: "Nice putt, Alice."
But what's this, the 30 mph wind is pushing the ball toward the hole and the last 30 inches are pure magic as the ball keeps rotating and rotating before disappearing into the cup. My first par!
Time to celebrate, and the drinking begins. Not the best combination, novice golfer, high wind and beer for 15 more holes. This could get uglier.
Hole 4: Par 3 up a hill, closest to the pin contest. The first foursome didn't hit the green. Nor did Pops or SP or Brad. My shot was a little too much club and a little too much left, into the bunker. My bunker shot left me about 7-8 feet from the hole and I failed to make the first putt, but the second was true for a 4. We watched the three-some behind us and they didn't get it on the green either, so now #7 is the closest to the pin.
Hole 5: 285-par 4. My first drive, left and O.B. Great. I get to do it again. This time I was not as far left and kept it in play. Fourth shot on the green and two putts for a 6, would have been a par but the penalties killed me. The best shot on that hole belonged to Pops. He hit his drive straight with good distance, it bounced in front of the trap/waste area and over it, heading for the green, in one shot, but lo and behold, there is a rake at the back and it catches his ball before it can reach the green. I don't believe he made par.
Hole 6: Into the teeth of the wind.
Me (in my head): "Keep the ball low, just keep it in play."
Once again it was low, as the nearby worms ducked for cover, as did the threesome behind us as my ball came straight for them on the green of #5. Out of bounds. Again. Try again. This time a little straighter, but not much further as it stopped on the backside of a good-sized hill. 3-iron off the hill, about 90 feet high and 60 yards closer to the pin. I think I only needed one putt, but it was another 7.
As we finished the hole there was a bolt of lightning followed by thunder a second later. So we headed to the clubhouse for a little break.
SP on the way to the clubhouse: "For every beer you drink, you can take two strokes off your score."
Me: "For every beer I don't drink it saves me three strokes."
So we order more drinks in the clubhouse.
Hole 7: Par 3, closest to the pin (redux). Again hitting into the wind (are all of these holes into the wind?). 7-iron straight at the pin.
SP and Pops: "That's got a chance of going in."
Unfortunately, the wind caught it and it was short of the green, but not by much. If I hit a 6-iron there, I may have ended up on the Hole in One plaque. I chipped it about 6 or 7 feet from the hole and a little side-hill put to deal with. And what do you know, I made it, another par. After never making a par before, I make two in one round. Why did I ever quit?
Hole 8: Another stellar drive, short and right. Next shot into the trees and left of the fairway, placing a pond between me and the green.
Pete: "I'll say you have a 50 percent chance of putting it in the water, 10 percent of being on the green and 40 percent for anything else."
Put me in the 40 percent category, just over the water and still left of the green. Of all the angles I could have taken, that ball staying dry and ending up where it did was like 2 percent. Chip, putt, putt.
Hole 9: Drive into the trees and followed by zig-zagging up to the sand, followed by a decent shot (for me) and a couple of putts.
Hole 10: Down the hill and around the bend. Nothing notable.
Hole 11: Don't really remember.
Hole 12: 169-yard par 3 over water. And of course, into the wind. Sneaky Pete hits a 3-iron just over the pond. Pops, 5-wood just over the pond. Brad, into the pond. Me, trouble club left of the water, 30-yards from the pin. My next chip was a grounder to first and in the water. So I take another ball out of my pocket and re-hit from there. Perfect shot, ends up 2 feet from the hole.
Pops: "Nice 5!"
SP: "The B-Player is awesome!"
Me: "I have to take a leak."
Hole 13: Par 5, Takes me 4 to get on the green and down in 2. Everyone else is there before me, but need more putts.
Hole 14: Par 4 dogleg left toward the highway.
Me: "I like this hole."
First shot, goes sailing left and through the fence. Second shot, near the fence. Third shot, 2 feet and a big divot, next shot, fouled it off (the beer is beginning to really take effect). Next shot, big divot again but closer to the green. Next shot in the sand. It takes me 3 to get out and two more putts.
Me: "About a 12 or 13". I actually quit counting, but replaying the shots, I think it's fair to say, that's what I made.
Hole 15: Dogleg back into the wind. Many shots, not many very good.
Hole 16: Par 3, wind at our backs. A non-descript 5.
Hole 17: Into the wind again. A couple more crummy shots for a 6 or 7.
Hole 18: Dogleg, up a mountain toward the clubhouse. Five shots to make it to the green, and down in one.
With the wind and the drinking, I end up shooting the best round of my life, 118 (110 under the Sneaky Pete Scoring Method, which I like better than Stableford) with two pars to go with it.
I'll spare you the details of the ensuing night of drinking.